How would the way you feel about your mom shift if you chose to see her as an individual woman, outside of motherhood, who may not have been equipped to give you what you needed?
Was she a woman who came to motherhood with unhealed trauma of her own?
What if you could see her standing before you, holding her unhealed wounds, still bleeding?
Our first love relationship is with our biological mom. It’s our first understanding of connection, trust, and commitment. The first time we will feel supported or abandoned. It’s how we learn to bond with others. It’s how we learn about boundaries or the lack of them.
Most of these lessons are unconscious; beginning in the womb, the lessons lay in our body on a cellular level. Later in life, they show up as the framework for our relationships, friendships, career and our understanding of money and abundance.
Note as you move forward in this article, if your relationship with mom was complicated or even abusive or toxic, pay special attention to how your body responds to this article. Allow yourself to feel what your body is saying. That reaction in your body is telling you both that there may be a wound and that healing is possible. Our bodies keep our secrets and also react when there is an opportunity to heal that secret.
How do you make the connection between mom and the way that you show up in life and relationship now? Or, how does your relationship with mom affect the way you see life showing up for you?
If mom was your best friend, you might have a hard time defining your own life, boundaries, and space. It may be a challenge to clearly define what is “mom’s emotional stuff” and what is yours. How has this followed you into other relationships in the same way?
Chances are, if your relationship with your biological mom didn’t exist or wasn’t loving and supportive, you may feel insecure and needy in relationships. How often has this shown up in your romantic relationships by you unconsciously requiring your mate to fill the void left by your mom?
If mom abandoned you, you might subconsciously create circumstances in your life, career, friendships, etc., that leave you abandoned over and over.
Do you lure love to you by unconsciously giving away too much of yourself?
If you had to tiptoe around mom’s feelings, do you find it challenging to set boundaries, express your needs, or put yourself first? Do you overly involve yourself in the care of others, often to your detriment?
If your relationship with mom left you feeling unworthy, not good enough or that you had to be perfect to be loved, do you also experience imposter syndrome in your professional life?
If mom was overly critical, do you find yourself in relationships with others as a people pleaser?
Where are the unconscious loyalties to mom playing out as you repeating the same unhealthy patterns as she?
Do you reject mom? How is that very same thing you reject her for showing up in your life?
If you didn’t receive an abundance of love and support from mom, does this show up as you feeling like you never have enough money, clients, work, or always feel a sense of lack or an inability to trust your ability to provide for yourself?
There are countless ways that your relationship with mom can show up in your adult life; Both in the affirming of our life force and the diminishing of it. We can own the affirming ways, those are easy to see. It’s the patterns that diminish or take life force away from us that often leave us feeling unable to show up to life in our fullness.
This examination of our relationship with mom isn’t about blaming her. It’s about connecting the dots from how issues are currently manifesting in your life, back to its root. It’s not personal as much as it is a systemic birdseye view into your family. The goal is acknowledgment. Acknowledgment is one of the building blocks needed to repair the bridge between you and mom so that compassion and love can flow.
It’s about healing and acknowledging, not blaming. It’s about restoring mom to her place as a mom, and you to your place as daughter or son.
It’s about telling you that it is OK to love a mom that was hard to love. It’s understandable that to keep yourself emotionally, and sometimes physically safe, you had to stay angry at a mom who wounded you. But there will come a time when that weight gets too heavy, and you won’t want to carry it any longer. And so, this is about telling you it’s ok to change your heart and hold her differently in it.
It is also not about ignoring or excusing the real-life pain your mothers caused. It’s about deciding that you want to adult with your emotions and heal those wounds.
Repairing your relationship with mom, even if it only means holding her differently in your heart, could create a massive shift in your life.
What does it feel like in your body to consider that perhaps your mom came to motherhood with her own set of experiences, trauma, etc. and may not have been equipped to give you all that you needed?
How would the way you feel about your mom shift if you chose to see her as an individual woman, outside of motherhood, who wasn’t equipped to give you what you needed? Was she a woman who came to motherhood with unhealed trauma of her own? What if you could see her standing before you, holding her unhealed wounds, still bleeding?
Would it shift how held her in your heart? Would it help you lay down your judgment, anger, and rejection of her? Would that image open your heart a little to a bridge of compassion between the two of you?
Sometimes, our moms aren’t healthy enough to have in our lives and we have to create physical distance. But how we hold mom in our heart is always our job.
If you had an especially hard childhood, this could be a challenging journey to walk. I know this from personal experience. It means figuring out what is yours and what belongs to mom. It means honoring her as your mom, if for nothing else because she gave you life.
It’s learning to be within your own body and understanding your core self and boundaries. It is connecting the dots from patterns to healing.
But it’s a journey that will free you to love yourself deeper, to choose relationships that are good for you, and to experience life in its fullness. It will help restore you as daughter or son, and mom as mom. It will allow you to visualize and embody what a restored relationship feels like in your heart regardless of your outer manifestation of that relationship.
And so, on Mother’s Day, I encourage you to be reflective. To see how and where, as an adult, your relationship to your mom shows up in your life. The good, the bad and the ugly. Then ask yourself what needs to shift within you so that love and compassion can freely flow for your first love, your mom. And then ask yourself, how and where you need this shift in your life, relationships, career and relationship with money.
I promise that your life will feel a shift. I promise you there is a road forward.
If anything in this article resonated with you and you would like to explore it more, I would be honored to be the person to guide you through this. This is my life’s work. I have walked this journey.
Book a 10-minute discovery call with me to explore how Family Mapping, Constellation Healing, and Hypnosis can be the tools to support your healing.
What if you had insights into your earliest experiences in life, to give you clues for why you need what you do in your relationships? What the body remembers leaves clues for the challenges we face today.
Rev. Michelle Dowell-Vest Intergenerational Trauma Mapping, Constellation Facilitator, Clinical Hypnotist Founder of The Women's Holistic Healing Collective Email: Michelle@WomensHHC.com "It can be the springboard for profound inner transformation and the mechanism...
Rev. Michelle Dowell-Vest Intergenerational Trauma Mapping, Constellation Facilitator, Clinical Hypnotist Founder of The Women's Holistic Healing Collective Email: Michelle@WomensHHC.com "Our bodies play along. It keeps our secrets and holds our trauma. Until it...
Rev. Michelle Dowell-Vest Intergenerational Trauma Mapping, Constellation Facilitator, Clinical Hypnotist Founder of The Women's Holistic Healing Collective Email: Michelle@WomensHHC.com "When the pieces of your map are staring up at you, begging to be seen and...
Rev. Michelle Dowell-Vest Intergenerational Trauma Mapping, Constellation Facilitator, Clinical Hypnotist Founder of The Women's Holistic Healing Collective Email: Michelle@WomensHHC.com "We don't just inherit blue or brown eyes, our hair color or round hips; we also...
I am a Holistic Healing Practitioner. My tools are a combination of Family Trauma Mapping, Constellation Healing, and Clinical Hypnosis. In the next few articles, I’ll explain how I came to learn these tools and the powerful ways they can help you take control of the trauma patterns that have been passed from generation to generation in your family.