Photo Credit IG-NotesFromYourTherapist

It’s not that we have to love ourselves first. It’s that we need to heal our wounds first.

 

 

First, I love the work of this IG page, and respect the work of its owner. 

From the context of the systemic work I do in family mapping, I see this statement is half true and more complicated than this. I think both statements are more complicated.

We learn to love from our mothers, and our attachment style and the way we were parented. That comes from the ways our parents were parented and their attachment style.

Learning how to love is generational.

Were we loved and affirmed? Shamed and shunned? Did we learn about our own emotional space, or were we responsible for a parent’s emotions? Did we learn how to make choices and speak our truth?

Those and so many more lessons carry over into every relationship we have.

If those lessons weren’t affirming, then we show up in relationships with those wounds until we heal them.

It’s not that we have to love ourselves first.

It’s that we need to heal our wounds first. And that is 💯 our responsibility. Others can model it for us in themselves, even while in a relationship with them, but they can’t give it to us.

Of course, we can be in relationships while we heal. That too is part of the process. But the act of deep self-love is only our own to create and feel. And any attempt to get met from an external source, won’t heal us. 

In healing, we learn what love for self is. We learn how to soothe ourselves, meet our own needs so that we don’t burden our partner with giving us what we need to give ourselves.

And that becomes the emotional and relational baseline from which we show up.

That self-love informs the relationship.

I wrote about it in this blog about moms being our first love.

If this is something you want to address in your life. Let’s talk about it. This is the work I do. This is the work I love.


If you are interested in speaking with me about Family Trauma Mapping, Constellation Healing or Hypnosis, feel free to book a no cost 10-minute discovery call with me.  

Rev. Michelle Dowell-Vest
Intergenerational Trauma Mapping, Constellation Facilitator, Clinical Hypnotist
Founder of The Women’s Holistic Healing Collective

 

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